NO you IDIOT---it's SPERMICIDE GEL...

So being single now for four years in this time I’ve experienced many discoveries, epiphanies and rude awakenings.

For example; when I was married with small children, I never thought that much about how revealing one’s shopping cart was about your life; or where you are in your life, or if your life is happy and satisfying, or…if it’s not…at the moment…

One reason I probably never thought of this before, was because I was too busy shopping and keeping my small children from running away, or being abducted, or from putting foreign objects in their mouths, or from standing up in the shopping cart, (that happened) and tipping it over, (that happened too.)

No. Crisis management does not allow for such ponderings.

During that time, I had elaborate shopping lists which correlated with my coupons, which were organized in a coupon keeper which was organized by household product.  What with all the crisis management going on, I needed SOME order in my life, so I micromanaged my coupons…

I would buy enough food to last about a week, then go back and buy some more.

But that was a lifetime ago, and NOW, shopping is not a big priority for me.  Paradoxically, eating still is a big priority but I hate grocery shopping.

I really do.  Maybe because it’s such a self-revealing exercise of what I’m doing with my life and where I’m going…and maybe other people can tell these things about me by looking at my purchases.

Plus—I really hate cooking for just me.

So, as the saying goes, the “circle of life,” has brought me back to the place where I buy “single girl” groceries.

Apples, Greek yogurt, carrots, eggs, bread, almond milk, coffee, cookies, make-up, wine and Windex. 

Every other week it’s, toilet paper, paper towels, Cascade and if I’m really feeling like a high roller---Tide laundry detergent.  

When I’m on a “health kick,” the list may also include:  kale, broccoli, stir-fry veggies, bean sprouts and cantaloupe.

The cart is never very full at all.  When one looks at my cart, the word “abundance” is not the word that would come to mind.

I have, what I think may be considered, “SSGG”

Sad Single Girl Groceries

Ever see the inside of a single girl’s refrigerator?

Jar of pickles containing one pickle

Expired Greek yogurt

Really old mealy apples (but they could still be good so I can’t throw them away)

Lots of expired cans of Slimfast (purchased during “health kick” phase)

One bunch of very bendy celery

Single girl’s cupboard:

Lots of Cup-O-Soup packets and Ramen Noodle packets

Ragu Spaghetti Sauce

Old box of dried Quinoa (purchased during a past “health kick” episode)

I know I have SSGG; and I’ve even become a bit self-conscious about it, to the point when the other day, a cashier at my local grocery pushed me right over the edge into:  DASSGG:

   “Defensive About Sad Single Girl Groceries.”      

I laid my purchases on the counter which included; a head of lettuce, carrots, non-fat Greek yogurt, walnuts, some almond milk, cans of tuna fish.

The cashier casually ran each item through the scanner without comment, until he got to the very last item;

One box of  “Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls.”

               “You were doing SO WELL!”  He says in a patronizing tone, whilst wielding the white box with the little smiling girl in the corner, holding it, reading the label, probably doing the carbs versus fat gram ratio math in his head, looking back at me, appraising my waistline….

While I PATIENTLY wait for him to place it in the grocery bag so I can get on with my life.

               “What do you mean?” I say, voice incredulous, “what do you MEAN, I was doing so ‘well’?”

               “You bought all this healthy food,” he says, then with a disapproving pull in the lower corner of his mouth, holding the offending item, “…and THEN you bought THESE!”

Da da DAHHHHH!!!!

               Enraged at this invasion into my private snacking life, I cannot find my words.  All I have in my head is another flashback to another time. When there was only one cashier, and the cashier was also male and it was my time of the month to fulfill all of my feminine hygiene needs and on the counter, was Homemade Brand Cookies & Cream Ice Cream, several Cadbury Chocolate Bars, a box of SUPER maxi-pads, a package of EXTRA SUPER ABSORBANT Tampax in the 100 count box, a bottle of Pamprin, and a tube of spermicidal gel.

               He quietly scanned all of the items until he got to the gel. He picked it up to scan it, but paused for a moment, looking at it, because it must’ve been an unfamiliar product to him. Something he didn’t see everyday come across his scanner.  He looked at me, uncomprehendingly;

               “What IS this?” he asked. “Some kind of lotion?”

               In the driest tone I could muster, I said, “yes.”

            
 I guess grocery shopping is a very deeply personal thing for me and it always has been.  Maybe it’s the writer in me, or maybe it’s the newsreporter in me, but I catch myself writing backstories for other shoppers based on what I see in their shopping carts;

              

A woman with a cart packed full of cereal boxes, 2 or 3 loaves of bread, milk, bags of apples, 2 dozen eggs, several packages of assorted chicken, beef and pork, tons of frozen stuff, the really good already made orange juice—(not the cheaper stuff that comes in the little frozen concentrate like I buy,) and lots of stuff that would have to be for packed lunches, Snack-pack puddings, Fruit Roll-ups, lunch meat, Miracle Whip, ­­­bananas… Obviously THIS woman has a very full life, with children, and lots of dinners to make and nutritious lunches to pack. Her kids are all over achievers, and she and her fabulously handsome husband is a wonderful provider, and they probably go to Disneyland every Christmas vacation. On their honeymoon I just know they went to the Bahamas.

I just KNOW IT.

               Looking at my quiet little array of items, I think, wow, my only saving grace is there’s no 100 lb bag of cat food.  (yeah, that was a "cat lady" reference in case you didn't catch it.)

               Then I look over at a man and in his cart is a case of Bud-light, Fritos, salsa, chip dip, potato chips, various 2 liter pops, Grey Goose vodka,  a  deli-cheese tray, a dozen roses and a birthday cake….

               That really pisses me off.

       

               In life there are a lot of perceptions. While, yes, I was defensive and put off by being judged by a Kroger Cashier who does not even know me, I realize that I too, am guilty of making the same judgments of others. And that’s not right.  ((( Although I at least TRY to keep my damned mouth shut. ))

               I remember when I was in my unhappy marriage, and I remember seeing obviously single people in line with their groceries, and I remember being a little bit jealous of their ability to travel light.  Their "devil may care" groceries made me long for a different life.  To not have to cook if they don’t want to. To buy whatever they want and not have to justify it to anyone, because they’re independent. To come home to a quiet space that was just mine.

               Yes, I coveted the SSGGs of the world back then.

               So, at such moments when I catch myself with the old grass is greener mindset-- I try to remember this:

               I chose this. 

               I’m free and unencumbered.

               I don’t have to make dinner if I don’t want to.

               Maybe I won’t eat dinner at all!

               Maybe I’ll just eat this box of Little Debbies for dinner in my pajamas at 4 p.m. in the afternoon if I want to!

               Heck yeah.  Life is full of possibilities right now.  The world is my oyster!  
               Below is a picture of the lake at our family's cottage. It's the morning sunrise after a very stormy night.